| this week has been one of the most challenging yet. but, i think i'm finally happy.
it all started on monday with a phone call. we found out how sick my grandpa actually was... so, i got off of work and i went and saw him with kyle and my mom and it was around 6. i don't think anyone knows how much it actually hurt me. first off, he seemed so little and weak... it killed me. i started to cry right there... seeing how much pain he was in and how he wasn't himself. secondly, he didn't remember any of us... and he always called me his girl. and the past few times i have seen him, he didn't call me that. and so it just hurt so much more.
so, i went home. and i thought about it all. i tried to do everything that i usually would, but it just hurt. i felt as if i should be doing something to help, be productive or somethig but i just couldn't help but cry. so i just layed on my bed, texting, watching a movie and drawing like i always would. and than around 9:15, my stepdad came in and told me to turn off my tv. i asked him why, and he said 'your grandpa has passed away.' i didn't know what else to do but curl up in a ball and cry. so, that's what i did... i layed on my bed and cried like a little pansy.
tuesday i didn't even try to go to school. i really couldn't stand being there. it hurt to face my mom even. she was always the strongest person i knew... and if she couldn't stay strong, there was no way i could. so, we went to my grandma's together. we sat there, chatted with our other family and we looked through pictures. we had to drive to the airport to get my brother. but, we went back and did the same thing - chatted and looked through pictures. i grabbed so many pictures, and they really just make me feel better. to remember the memories.
wednesday i went to school and it must've been one of the hardest days of my life. even if i did feel a little bit better after going through all the pictures, it still hurt. to know that he isn't here and he won't be here on sunday for easter. but, everyone knew i was upset and i told the same thing over and over. and after saying it so much, it didn't cry as much and i didn't hurt as much to say. i realized who my close friends are and really the ones who cared.
but wednesday when i was sleeping, i had a dream. in the dream, my grandpa came to me. he was just standing in front of me, and he told me that he was okay, and that he was happy... and he told me that i'll always be his girl and that i need to shine. and than all of a sudden, he transformed into a cardinal. a beautiful red cardinal. it was an amazing dream and i woke up thursday happy after being such a wreck the days before.
thursday was my first day out of not crying, and just beginning the way to shine.
but something happened very to my mom. she was going outside to take something out there and she left the garage door open. and when she was going back in, this big beautiful cardinal flew in and landed on a bike handle. and the bird wasn't afraid of her... it just sat there and looked at her, and she looked at it like they knew each other, and than it just started to sing.
isn't that amazing? |
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| ben and i broke up. it's for the best. |
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| even though my life is great right now, i have the urge to go back. i realized how much i miss summer. i hang out with two people now - ben and kayla. don't get me wrong, i love them both to death. but, i miss summer. the big group of friends that go and eat. going to the mall just to do somethig out of this town. i miss being close to so many people. i know half of it is my fault. i have so much to say but i really don't know how to say it. birthday party this sunday - be there? |
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| none of this in intentional, but i feel like i'm falling away.
from everyone.
and i'm falling for a certain boy.
someone please make me feel like i'm wanted.
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| i can't believe i'll be 18 in 30 days.
birthday bash anyone?
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